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I feel, have felt for a long time, that I am ruined. I've been ruined since I was 12, and only continued to get more so. The stupid, reckless things I've done, that have happened to me have only messed me up more.



I really have to snap out of this. I can't keep being down and in the dumps. Where I'm headed, I've been there before and I -really- don't want to go back.



I need something to fix it.. I need to find something that gives me joy. I have joy of relationship, but something greedy, something just for me. Books aren't doing it, music isn't either. I don't even want to look at my camera.



I want a tattoo but am going to wait. There's something that needs worked out, and I'm fine with that. I just don't want to seem ....less. Less of anything.



I feel like nothing, nothing useful, worth little. I could be used as a toy very well, could be forgotten just as easily.



Things seem to be crumbling, falling to tiny pieces all around me. Yet two weeks or so ago things were so great.





Thankfully, I should be traveling in May. I hope.

Have you ever not wanted your birthday to come?



That's what I'm wishing for right now, that I will just skip Friday and go right to Saturday.. Or better yet, Sunday. I don't want gifts, don't want birthday wishes, nor a cake or ice cream or gifts.



I don't deserve any of it. All I've done is completed another year of my meaningless life.



Why should anyone be proud of getting older?



Age is nothing but a number.

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
15:45 Mar 20 2009

I have always said ''one year wiser'' ...!!

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I haven't done it in a really long time, but I want to.



Things have got me so down, I don't know what to do to lift my spirits.



I don't want anything for my birthday, yet people seem insistent upon getting me things, the bag I want that if I wanted it bad enough, I could pay for it myself..



I don't want a cake, but I'm apparently getting one anyway.



I kind of want flowers.. just flowers.. on my birthday, but I know they'll just die, so what's the point?



It's not worth it to me, not worth it to get something, pay a lot of money (or have someone pay a lot of money) for something that will last a week or two. I don't want someone to buy me the bag, I'll feel indebted to them, even if it is my honey or my parents. My parents could so use the money for something else.



I definitely don't deserve anything from him. Not a thing. I feel like right now, I don't even deserve his attention, though I badly want it.



I don't know what has me so down, but I wish it didn't. I wish I could be happier. I do get out, I do do things other and sit here on VR all day. Ranting and venting on VR in my journal won't fix it, but sometimes I feel like I have to find somewhere to rant, 'cause ranting to my boyfriend or any of the friends I have sounds too much like complaining. But, that's exactly what I'm doing now.



I'm so dumb. *shakes my head*

I just took a serious look at getting into college, and more importantly the EMT course.



I have a job, so it's not that insane to think that I could do it, but first I have to be accepted to the college, then I have to be accepted into the course. It will cost at least $1500. I want to be an EMT really badly. I just need to do it.



There's not much holding me back from becoming an EMT, but I worry about still having a job if I -do- get into school. I want both, can't just have one or the other.



Yeah, I know, I want everything, right?



But I hate sitting here, working in what is most likely a dead end job. I work at a grocery store. And while I make okay money, it's definitely not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I can't see myself going as far as I could where I am now, as if I were an EMT. And I want to be more than just an EMT, but you have to start somewhere.



I'm somewhat confident that I can become an EMT, but of course my low self esteem holds me back.



I'll get there, eventually.

This question might be a tad inappropriate, so I warn you now..



That being said, I know that most women get a littler perkier after sneezing, but what about men? Is there any bodily reaction whatsoever for the male gender?

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HAWK2K
01:46 Mar 13 2009

Well....



I can't speak for all men...



but....



I do have a quite large bodily reaction.













I double over into a fetile position, trying to breathe again.....



when I sneeze, I sneeze hurricane force blasts....



what did you think I ment, preverts?



:P

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chrysanthemia
02:00 Mar 13 2009

I always thought sneezes themselves were just like orgasms. It builds up, more and more, lots of pressure, and tension. This can happen slowly or quickly. Then eventually it all builds up, and explodes in the gratifying sensation of relief and peace, and quickly recedes.



Am I wrong?

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chrysanthemia
02:01 Mar 13 2009

Sneezing, facial orgasms. Lmao.

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KamarillaKaine
02:06 Mar 13 2009

hawk .. yer SUCH a tease !!!







and i like the face-gasm analogy hahahah

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captainglobehead
20:17 Mar 16 2009

Personally, I love to sneeze. I savor the entire experience.



I feel the tickle way in the back, letting me know it's started. The feeling builds, gaining strength. The longer I hold it off, the stronger the release. My breathing becomes shallow, irregular, inhaling much more than I exhale. I cannot hold it back any longer, and I close my eyes and let go, a veritable explosion. I stop for a second, recovering, trying to determine whether this was a single episode or just the first of multiple such releases...



Um....

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LoveXStarr
20:27 Mar 16 2009

Man, I love these comments, but there's this whole sexual thing.. I guess that I asked for it.



Yeah, I did ask for it.



Keep 'em comin'!

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My Birthday is in 9 days. I'm not sure what I want, as in a gift, if I want anything. I'd like flowers, but they'd just die. I would love some lilies, they're my favorite.



I have been thinking of getting me a tattoo, I've had the design for three years, and I want to get it done. But I will be traveling around my birthday by plane. I heard something, not sure if it is true, but to any of you who read my journal, feel free to give your input.



Can flying soon after a tattoo is done cause the tattoo any damage with the ink or such?



I don't even want a cake or anything for my birthday. I'd love to hang out with some friends at Earth and Fire or something, but I dunno.



I'm going to ask for it off, or at least ask to get that evening off. Or maybe not, I have the auction the week after, and I need to be there for that. I have done the auction with the Crew for the past.. three years or so.



We'll see, right?

I almost woke the house with the laughter caused by this!






more animals

I have to work on my baby niece's first birthday. :( She's One on Saturday, and I can't go to the party.



But I do get to to go a place I love with a friend tomorrow. I get to paint something again, I won't know what to make, but then again I never do.



Maybe something for my friend or my love.. Or my niece.



We'll just have to see.



:)

I.



Want.



This.



Bag.







I love Vera Bradley. They retired my old pattern, so, I was looking at new ones the other night, and I saw this.. and loved it.



I want it. really bad.



the name of the pattern is Purple Punch. It's pretty. And smaller than the bag I have now. It's pretty.



I wouldn't mind this either.







I'm glad I have a job. =D

Does everyone think that I gorge or over indulge myself in everything?



I had a status message on facebook stating that I had ice cream, and a friend messaged me saying that it would probably be gone within the day, maybe less.



I do not sit there and over eat. I don't over eat with anything. I may not eat all organic stuff or the healthiest stuff in the world, but I also don't eat fast food everyday. I hardly eat fast food at all.



Most of my meals are made at home, most of my meals consist of chicken or beef (never pork, but that's another story) or seafood, a starch and a veggie. I don't like fried foods, apart from mozzarella sticks and onion rings.



I do not over eat, I have trouble losing weight, and even more so maintaining my weight within the past year. Being on Depo, or any birth control really, because of the hormones you can gain weight. Exercising is hard because I can't really do weight bearing exercises due to a botched medical procedure two years ago.



But I'm not defending myself, I know I need to eat less, eat better. I know I need to stop drinking so much soda (probably won't happen, I love it too much) and drink more water. I need to do a whole bunch of stuff, but I don't just pretend that I can't do something just so I can be lazy.

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chrysanthemia
22:47 Mar 02 2009

I know how you feel about the judgmental bit. Most people see I'm overweight and automatically think that I'm a lazy ass with an insatiable appetite. The truth is, no matter what or how much I eat, my weight doesn't change. And I clean and walk wherever I need to go, so I'm not really that lazy.



I think some people really are just the way they are.



Who cares what they think? Love yourself!

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